THTSL Manual, Part 2
“Exercising while communing with Nature is good for you”
Don’t believe that one for a second! Exercising is one thing; communing with Nature is quite another. Put them together and you could have a recipe for disaster.
My walking buddy, Ann, and I love to explore beautiful, historic Fairmont Park , which surrounds the entire city of Philadelphia
1. Never go walking in the park with your friend’s dog off-leash, and relying on the electric collar gizmo thing.
2. If you do, make sure you check the gizmo’s batteries beforehand.
3. Only take ONE dog at a time! This is crucial!!
4. If they are hunting dogs….leave them home!
5. Know the area, mark your trail somehow, and even better, bring a portable GPS with you. And, for good measure, a cell phone, map, flashlight, compass, extra water, pup tent, back pack, flares, and maybe some food.
6. Make sure you tell someone where you are going, and when you expect to return home.
7. If the electronic collar gizmo should fail, and the dogs take off down a huge hill at break-neck speed, do not attempt to run after them – especially if you and your friend have a total of 7 artificial joints between you! Someone should have at least one good leg to stand on. Running, falling, tripping or rolling are not advised.
8. If you do run/trip/fall down the hill sprinting after the dogs, make sure you noted where the top of the hill was. This will come in very handy later on.
9. When you eventually do catch up with the neurotic dogs who are going ballistic and determined to dig out some rabbit, chipmunk, or what-not under a rock the size of a small bedroom – do not attempt to put their leashes on them.
10. If you do attempt this, make very sure the one dog you caught doesn’t decide to excitedly leap in the air toward his owner, who is busy trying to get the other dog tethered and not quite paying attention to dog number 2, who is now pulling you up into the air after him like a streamer because you are attached to the other end of his leash!
11. If you and the dog you caught should happen to crash into the other person and the dog she has finally caught, and you all go rolling down the hill in one huge human, dog, and leash ball – keep calm, cool, and collected. Spit the debris out of your mouth because it doesn’t taste very good and you can’t quite yell with a mouthful of leaves, grass and dirt.
12. If your airway is clear, stop laughing. Get up and make sure everyone is ok. Yes, the dogs, too.
13. Look UP toward the top of the mountain from which you just rolled down and determine where your start point was. Note: all trees tend to look alike. Honest…they do.
14. Let the dogs pull you up the hill and pray they don’t spot anything else they’d want to chase.
15. Once at the top of the hill, look all around for familiar things. You know you got there somehow…right? Well, there has to be the way out, like going in reverse.
16. This would be a great time to double check and make sure your cell phone has a full charge. That is, if you remembered to bring one with you. Either one of you.
17. Do not panic! It is simply inconceivable that you would get lost in the deep woods that are right across the street from your own house! Just know there are two directions: down the hill (warning: do not pick that one) and going flat. Choose flat.
18. Listen for the sounds of cars on the road which you know whizzes right past the park.
19. Go in the direction of the sounds and ignore the fact that is it now getting kind of twilighty. It’s amazing how dark the woods can get all of a sudden! With all those trees’ leaves, hardly any sunlight gets through, anyway. Hiking in late afternoon is not such a great idea.
20. Once out of the woods (in more ways than one!), continue to your house and make a vow to never, ever try that stunt again! If you do, just stick to walking on the outside perimeters of the park, leave the damn dogs home, and better yet, just do some shopping at the local mall. You’ll get plenty of walking exercise, there!
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