Chapter 10 - "Intermission"

"Intermission" 

A not-so-brief Interlude...

I need to get a hold of myself here for a bit. This ongoing battle outside is ruining my entire “outdoor experience.’ As anyone who knows me can tell you, I live to be outdoors. Hailing originally from the mountains of upstate New York (Why is it that when you tell someone you’re from New York, they immediately say, “Oh! New York City??!” NO. New York is a huge state and has lots more than just one city!) there is a lot more to us New Yawkas than meets the eye.

Anyway, my neighbors see me constantly outside all spring, summer and fall long. (Not winter, though – I’m not totally nuts!) It is my desire to create an ‘outdoor wonderland’ for my husband and me to enjoy. I’ve even painted our old shed to look like a little Swiss Chalet, complete with stained glass windows and all kinds of flowers, birds, and so on, all over its walls. Needless to say, the care and feeding of the yards have fallen to me, a job I take very seriously.

When we first moved in to our new home, the property was just chock-full of flowers in these curious raised flower beds, 12 –foot long boxes made from 2 X 6 X 12 planks of wood. “This is going to be a piece of cake!”  I smiled to myself.

Unfortunately, the former owner was ga-ga over raspberries and there was an entire 400 foot square raspberry patch going on in full force toward the back of our property. Those were the first things to go. Mostly. Stubborn things, those original blasted raspberry plants’ kids and grandkids keep on popping up all along our fence line. You’ll see where I’m going with this in a few minutes….

I set about planting things that I liked, including a variety of vegetables. (I didn’t see it coming, but I was helping to set myself up for becoming the Howard Johnson’s of the wildlife set).  Also, I was thrilled to have space for my all-time favorite plants: hostas. In fact,  I became a total hosta fool -- and today there are more than a dozen different types of this lovely green plant in my yards, back and front.

This year something very strange happened: one of my favorite hosta plants suddenly decided to go ballistic, and it grew to such an enormous size that there was only one proper thing to do: enter it into a local nursery- plant store contest. Taking up one entire flower bed itself, a stately neighbor to my tomato plant patch, it was directly in the center of our yard. As the owner of the nursery told me one day, “It must really like its location since it’s growing so large!” 

There was just one little problem: on either side of my yard, and along each fence line, were some of those persistent and pesky raspberry plants – and they were in a direct line with my prize hosta!  It should by now almost go without saying, but all kinds of wildlife love raspberries, and I mean love them.  In fact, I truly do believe that over time, the original group became Chuckie’s very own personal raspberry patch – and he viewed me as the interloper!

Like an 18-wheeler speeding cross-country, he had a regular highway Route 66 going from fence to fence, with a convenient "rest stop" about half way – right at my hosta plant! A huge hole appeared one day right next to the hosta’s bed and I almost flipped out!  Wilted remains of some berries and tomatoes littered the ground, mute evidence that someone had a good thing going. I had to wonder what else good ole Chuckie was using the rest stop for -- restroom, perhaps? That would certainly explain the over-fertilized ground. This had to stop! As best as I could, I plugged up that hole. OK… really, I flooded it using my garden hose, knowing full well Chuckie had another escape hatch somewhere else in the yard, so he wouldn’t drown. But this one was treated to “The Great Flood” and believe it or not…it worked!

For two whole months, I watered, fed, weeded and guarded my prize hosta and waited for the judge to come to my home. Each time he was supposed to arrive, something would happen and he’d have to reschedule.  Meanwhile, it was no easy trick keeping Mega Hosta safe from Chuckie – which ultimately led to our Battle of Groundhog Hill. And…I was exhausted from keeping my yard in as meticulous a condition as I could. Still, the weeks dragged on – and no judge ever appeared. Finally, I went to the nursery and asked what happened. Very apologetically, the owner/judge explained that he “simply forgot.” He gave me a ribbon, anyway, as I had thought to bring a picture of the damn plant with me to show him. It was justice of a sort.

No matter. Now that I truly had a prize hosta in my possession, I was obligated to keep it going. It finished out the summer in style and remained King of the Yard despite everything that Mother Nature threw at me.  As for me, personally, I looked as if I had aged about 10 years’ worth. So much for a pleasant outdoor hobby – gardening. NOT.

And, just when I thought that I had been able to keep things down to a dull roar…up pops Wicky! It just isn’t fair!

Did I mention I am thinking of becoming an “indoor’ person……? 

King of the Hostas

Spoon added to show relative size

Front of our shed

Side of our shed

Max "on guard" this spring...Hosta not yet fully grown!

 To be continued....